Friday, October 30, 2009

2 am

older everyday older
stretched and weathered
skin and flesh
bones on the ground
when my ribs were split open
i felt your breath blow in new life
each day stronger and each day longer
until i had strength in my ankles to support my legs
then legs to hips and hips to torso
my head still hanging
not a drop of energy can be wasted
when you pull away i long for you
still i have no breath of my own
you resurrect me
you restrain me
you command me
you contain me
i wait patiently for your embrace
i wait to see your anger cool
my love is a jealous god
quick to anger
yet fast to forgive
not without reason
not without tolerance
my claws retract
i yield to you
never knowing
yet ever trusting

Thursday, October 29, 2009


i woke up writhing
needing to intertwine with your body
proof of my primal existence
my heart pounds and races
however my pulse is slow and throbbing

the more i ignore to touch
the stronger my desire becomes

i need it

how much longer can this grow inside of me
building and rising
becoming an animal inside me
devouring every other need

my flesh is weak
my desire is powerful

quiero tener sexuales con usted minuto

j'ai besoin de vous
j'ai besoin vous toucher

il sesso me

desee queme como yo le desse

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

behind the gate

the grass outside the house has blades made of razors
cutting my toes at the edge of the lawn
and there is a gate that looms over me as tall as a skyscraper
everyday i bounce my ball close to the edge
curious to see if my ball bursts

my curiosity grows inside me like a weed
killing all my flowers
one by one
till it stranglers the last of my common sense

how can i get over?
something so beautiful has to be on the other side...why else would it be so well guarded?

morning comes and i play on the edge of the bloodstained lawn
this morning im bursting with fearless energy
i need to know what is behind the gate
its calling me

with one large gasp of breath i start a fast tip toe across the blades
that sudden pain rushing through me with each step i feel it increase
by the time i reach the patch of pavement beneath the door
im standing in a pool of blood
i realize that the gate guards something so beautiful
it cant be seen
it cant be held
it fills my heart

my knees give out
i fall to the ground like a leaf through the air
my hands slam into the pool of blood that now surrounds me
as the gate glides open the light streams over my body
all i feel is warmth
i finally feel home

behind the gate
i feel whole
behind the gate
i am at peace

Monday, October 26, 2009

he is haunting me

every half thought
every corner of my eye
every breeze across my body
takes me there

the walls cry out this night
my sheets mock his shape
he is haunting me

he came to me through you
i mourned you before i met you
this road has been traveled

drawn to your scent
its a distant memory i plung into
it embraces me and pulls me under
im useless without it

i let your hands tell me what he wants me to hear
and we dont need much
my body is weightless with your touch
ive undressed your mind

i drink the secerts in your taste
you see deeper inside then anyone dares too
if you look away we might lose this
the fire is in your veins
dont ask to be released


once i looked back into your eyes they lost there twinkle
you lost your power
the power you held over me when i thought you saw my soul
now i know different
you see a reflection, and that reflection no longer fits me

you never wanted self improvement
only self indulgence
feed the ego
the last word
power that has been stolen

you can have it
take what little power i had left
for i am reborn in my mud
with nothing i rebuild

i let myself forget what is long lasting
what i came to do

beneath my hyper exterior lays a beautiful heart
broken to fit yours

my heart is broken
only to fit yours

your heart was broken
to fit mine

we are reborn in our mud

to shine
to twinkle
he wants the undamaged
the untouched
he wants what he hasnt already broken
to see no fear in her eyes

she will be his angel
with her he will take flight
this woman has undoubted faith in him
this woman will love jesus
for only god can make him clean again
and she will be his vessel

no other life form could resist her
he felt fear creep into his heart
the treasure god had sent to him had other loves
these loves must be destroyed

he saw her pure undying love for other vessels
his heart was full of rage
then he saw the fear in her eyes
she was damaged
she had been touched
she must be broken

he must be alone
in god we trust

sex and rain

the electricity flows from your fingertips to my spine sending a heatwave through my body that sweet white heat that reminds me i'm alive
push me to the ground force me to my knees i want to be the one to show you my body has no limits i'm here to do as you please my pulse races knowing where your lips are going
give me more.
make me scream.
and your not shy you make me bleed i bite down hard i push you inside the pleasure is sending tears to my eyes my body shakes in complete ectasy
this moment is why god made man
and even god would blush watching us
when we no longer have breath or sweat in our body
i'm still hungry for you
i can't stop. this pleasure turns to pain
the rain outside cleanses what we've done
my eternal desire

my first steps

writing was something i started in therapy at the ripe age of 14, to let the demons out, to free myself of thoughts only paper could handle. only months before i was a girl of god, a daughter of a righteous family. a family mislead by there church. a family mislead by the need to conceal. everyone had such high expectations of what this good looking, god fearing, wholesome family could achieve until one day. this girl of god broke. she jumped out of a window. she jumped into a strange car. this car lead her to a path that would alter her life. the life of her family. little did she know her family was based on reputation, and god would show no mercy on those with little reputation.

back to the car. i dove in the back seat laid close to the floor for at least a mile before she peaked up to the front seat. i didnt hear much except for the soft grunting of a 33 year old man. she knew what that grunting meant but i was scared to see. all i know is that my best friend is in the front seat with the man. the man with no face. my best friend poked her head over the front seat wiped her mouth and said "what took you so long!". all she could reply was "where are we going?" " I told you it's a surprise,why are you such a drag" i shrug and sink back into the floor, my eyes always get heavy when stress levels rise. i would fall asleep whenever danger was close. to this day i use sleep to escape anything, i must admit its not very constructive. the car drives for what seems like hours. we stop at an abandoned gold course. i see kennywood in the distance, something about the unlit rollercoaster was soothing and unsettling all at once. she tells me to stay on the bench, "his friend should be here soon" i lay down on the park bench and without fail my eyes become heavy and i am sleeping before she can get to the bottom of the hill.

i wake up startled. directly in eye shot only 2 feet away is a full grown dear. i freeze. the dear gets closer to my face for one long sniff then prances away. i feel a long cold chill through my body. every sense is heightened, my stomach is doing back flips. i have the sense i'm about to be changed forever, and im not wrong. slowly i stand and begin to walk down the slope of the golf course, through the patches of tall grass i see a pond. there is one weeping willow. at the the base of this beautiful tree trunk i see legs, 4 legs. my pace is slowing as i approach..the whole time im calling her name..still nothing. closer.closer. i hear it. that fimilar grunt. my stomach that? she jerks her head up and wipes her mouth again. his pants are down, he has no face. she screams "i told you to wait! his friend is on his way!!"

now im running..god can see me! this isnt happening...things will never be the same