Tuesday, December 29, 2009


I've watched your face for a long time
It's always the same
I've studied the cracks and the wrinkles
You were always so vain
Well, now you live your life like a shadow
In the pouring rain
Oh, it's called love
Yes, it's called love
Oh, it's called love
And it belongs to us
Oh, it dies so quickly
It grows so slowly
But when it dies, it dies for good
It's called love
And it belongs to everyone but us

I've lived my life in the valleys
I've lived my life on the hills
I've lived my life on alcohol
I've lived my life on pills
But it's called love
And it belongs to us
It's called love
And it's the only thing that's worth living for
It's called love
And it belongs to us
It's called love
Yes it's called love

Oh, love is found in the east and west
But when love is at home, it's the best
Love is the cure for every evil
Love is the air that supports the eagle
It's called love
And it's so un-cool
It's called love
And somehow it's become unmentionable
It's called love
And it belongs to every one of us
It's called love
And it cuts your life like a broken knife

Thursday, December 24, 2009

life's rejection

these moments of false hope
and the inner ward slide of rejection
they build in me
i feel a scream echo from the walls of my heart
what a perfect place for acoustics
the sounds travel around the pink flesh
it bounces and loses momentum
the scream fails to reach the outside
it becomes a sigh
and a small salty tear
and the lids shut
and the dreams begin
the show starts again at 9
so the lids open
to take the sidewalk

do we ever really admit what happens behind the closed door
the messy alone time
time spent in between public viewings
when the shoulders fall
and spirits crash

id like to see your messy alone time
im completely saturated with public viewing
and no one knows me
is being understood over rated?

this messy alone time is drowning my dreams
it has seeped into my public viewings
the curtains to my room are barely held shut
and each day is becoming a struggle to keep up the facade
of happy pink shades
glossy finish
dirty martinis

give me real
no more false hope

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

please watch and read along

I have memories like this
sweet and soft memories
eyes wide open
unknown fields of grass
and even the telephone wire seems to have wisdom
the buildings in the distance have seen more time then most
the trees have been through the wars
this train seem to hold me safe
as tears flow down my pink flushed cheeks
more emotion then my heart can bare
the symmetry and beauty in repetition
nothing is original
and it is ok
im ok
these soft memories will always be inside me
keeping me human
reminding me i can repeat history
love is not lost
its hiding
in a green field that stretches over mountains
and valleys
it leads me
to you
and when our eyes meet
you will become my soft
and these tears are yours


Sunday, December 20, 2009

sex and rain

the electricity flows from your fingertips to my spine sending a heatwave through my body that sweet white heat that reminds me i'm alive
push me to the ground force me to my knees i want to be the one to show you my body has no limits i'm here to do as you please my pulse races knowing where your lips are going
give me more.
make me scream.
and your not shy you make me bleed i bite down hard i push you inside the pleasure is sending tears to my eyes my body shakes in complete ectasy
this moment is why god made man
and even god would blush watching us
when we no longer have breath or sweat in our body
i'm still hungry for you
i can't stop. this pleasure turns to pain
the rain outside cleanses what we've done
my eternal desire

next in line

you can become the new reflection of my hearts desires
will you carry it well?
is anyone truly up to that challenge
my body is a vehicle that has seen many lands
and this journey seems to be in auto pilot
can you be the one to make me lose control?
take my hands to the wheel and make me pay attention
the world is shadows and i only see fragments
can you put the focus back on?
i want to see you

in my bedroom
i want to feel something
want the blood to stream through me like it once did
blue and violent
the passion that could flow through me
could light up this city
burn up the in me and vibrate your entire building

my cunning words and harsh disguise melts away
all that i have left is my body
my vehicle
put miles on me
take me to the depths
till my wheels fall off

up against the wall
up against the lights
up against the road

and in between
make me beg for it

Monday, December 14, 2009

thank you dana for sending me into a ville valo hole of obession

his face is circling my brain

its hard to know a man like him is out there

and not inside me
not next to me

Sunday, December 13, 2009


small talk
killing our society
easing the pain
silence is the cure
the latest gossip
and the best of zagat
who wore it best

the words that close the gap on our ever shrinking brains
the lowest form of entertainment
we choose the filth
none of us our innocent
especially the children
stop the reproduction

I feel something happening to me
a wave of darkness
like ink dripping and slipping
in my head and down my spine
i no longer know how to stop my metamorphosis

thought i wanted to find love
now i search for solitude
i know my need for love was selfish
only to patch up my empty hole
dying to fill it
dying to die

this feeling is my disease
killing me from within
filling the corners of my brain
whispers softly
shut down

run away from normal
burn the television
burn the newspaper
burn the cellphone
break down all life's comforts

and start from the start
start from black
from the hole
dig under you reality
and shake the disease

refuse the small talk
and cure my self with silence

Thursday, December 10, 2009

guilty pleasure

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
Can't win your losing fight all the time
Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
You wont take away my pride
No not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out on my own
(I'm screaming "I love you so..." But my thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here?
I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves
Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves

How did we get here?
I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I use to know you so well

I think I know
I think I know
There is something that I see in you
It might kill me I want it to be true

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

my new bed

oh trouble will happen here

if you build it
dreams will come

not poetry

Just read the saddest thing I have ever read... a few minutes ago...
a guideline on to train yourself to be a slave to one man's needs
20 steps on how to "date" a "man"
step one - Lose your place in the world
step two - Do as he says not as he does
step three - forget the multitude of diseases he may or may not be spreading
step four - also throw your needs out the window as you will have no use for them, and he wont considered them

I got the same chill and flash of fury that I got the night I left
when I knew this was true
you see women as objects
this woman is your slave
and you dont even blink to keep a revolving door of "fans"
or extra women you pursue

I was cursed the day i ignored my instinct and responded to your message
I know you read this
and if you havent felt any remorse by now
for how you treat women
believe me your day will come
i hope you like being alone
TRULY alone
because there is no real love that requires rules
the love of a dictator
what love is that
i feel so sad for her

all the compassion i had for you has run out
out the door and into hers
she is a victim
of you and your pain
just like i was
and the ones before me
but she stays
and denies the truths around her
deals with the day to day disappointments you most SURELY bring her
will you be here?
can we eat this?

your way or the highway
and she longs for the acceptance in your eyes that will never come
I thought my father screwed me up
poor woman

you get what you create
a world of daddy issues
"i'm proud of you"
the four words that get your dick wet

and it's interesting that you exist
that you believe you're a good man
you've told yourself the words you need to hear to believe what you want
"I went to therapy"
"I have friends"
but yet you continue to treat them like garbage
the women
the woman
who would bake for you
or do your laundry
or believe that the other women are "fans"
that they somehow found you!
like there is a sign above your small apartment
with a neon sign saying "struggling artist"
oh please!

you found us
you searched for me
spent time on my capture
i would have been none the wiser that you were even on this earth
and I still cant tell which one I prefer
to know
or not to know

I would give anything for you to be real
real to her
real to yourself
real to anyone
as you say
as you think you are

because we are all good
you choose to do wrong
you choose to spit awful things from your mouth
degrade the woman on the other side of the table

make them "behind over backwards"
"jump threw hoops"
for what
what is this gift you speak of
does it ever come?
are there ever moonlit dinners
or romantic trips
or nights that revolve around her
I doubt it

you've worked too hard for that
not when there is still much work to be done

you think that one woman who lets you walk completely over them
without resistance
and in complete submission
will give you your soul back
or will give you the 11 years back

it wont
give love
not words
give actions
not video

believe in someone
as you would have said to me and countless others
but mean it

they all see this "good boy"
they want to release him
I much to young for that
I would not choose to waste my youth
on your twilight years
turning your rage into art
and wiping your ass

but she will
so love her
her pain is so out there
on facebook
for all your other lovers to see
pretending she can bare it
fooling only herself

dont let her choose
a life of slavery
to you
be kind
be loving
you are able
you are a good boy
turned bad man

the first words I ever said to you

bad boy turned bad man

i change that
i have true hope
when i look in your big blue eyes
that seem to ask forgiveness
that you are good inside
so try harder

be good to her
save yourself
from the pain
your body is riddled with
i promise you wont regret it

satan and eve

im still a slave to your heat
the danger we share
the past we cant escape
what drove us to the horrible present
the present that lets neither of us bend
the past that makes us reach for kindness in a stranger
only for short moments and
that waits for the other shoe to fall
happiness is brief
and of this we are both certain
happiness is uncomfortable
so we bath in heat
in small fires
in harsh endings
we control those endings
you control my pain
and I control my anger inside of me
you and i both crave the stability more then the heat
but neither of us has quite been able to figure out that part
so we continue down the fiery path
of hot sweaty instant happy
pure and vacant
the moments where no words are needed
control is given
and taken
you left me more lost then you found me
one giant push back into my shell
another man that hurt me
another reason to keep control
silly me i thought i was enlightened
silly you
foolish desires that led me back there
hateful brain for allowing me to remember
swollen throat, choking on the last words
and aching body beat up with regret
because i knew from the very first moment
you were no good for me
i saw the apple on the tree
and you were shiny and full of bitter sweet juices
it tasted so good
the poison i swallowed
you were going to make me wise
make me wiser then god
give me the knowledge of good and evil
until i noticed my naked body and realized where i was
and that i was naked
slither back to the garden
you made your point
and you are done with me now
Adam will never satisfy me and you know it
how dare you
give me your heat
and take it away
sneak into eden
one more time
god dares you
the past that haunts us
wont let you forget me
wont let me forget you
not that easy
i still taste your juices
dont you still want to give me
your knowledge

Friday, December 4, 2009


the world is my ocean
and i its island
surrounded by nothing just water
blue and shallow
crystal clear and stretched as far as my eyes can see
ive lost my love
my vision
i know exactly when but how do i get back
back to earth
guilty of living for lust
lust was not cheap
the dark electronic noises fill my brain
they excite me
lift my heavy head
heavy with nostalgia
the noises make me beat my fist gently on my thigh..
on the sand
on the branches
my beaches vibrate
sending waves through my world
they call your name
these vibrations reach you
the noises build in your head
you hear your name
you feel my waves
i invited you back
play in the water
crawl into my beach
these noises drown out reason
come back to lust
come back to the island
we create life here
we belong here
the music we've made can only be heard here
by us
only us
you make every inch of me tremble
and your touch is like magic
i want to die here
i no longer want a life away from our island
the sun fades
the moon brings enough light across your body
across my sunkissed shoulders
your stare is evil
it penetrates me
so complete
your voice is in my ear
then your teeth on my neck
you always knew
how raw i wanted it
the fire is blazing inside me
it makes me skin hot to the touch
and we lay like that long enough
till tears of longing stream down my face
and yours
we know this was the moment meant for us
you've never looked more pure
every line on your face dissappeared
we are immortal for this night
im only breathing to inhale your breathe
i want nothing that does not extend from your body
need you
you belong to this island

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

the busy artist

i see you
yes you
not sure if you noticed
but you are seen
for your many forms of expression
and the beauty so deep inside you
not just the colors that burst through you
not just the social graces you possess
but you
the side i feel you are too scared to show
too busy to be vulnerable
running as fast as you can to catch up with the time you lost
or feel you've lost
you have a quiet strength that is so rare and precious
not sure that even you know how rare you are
im proud to know you
you make me happy
and give me hope
not for us
but for "us" humans
i see so many doors and windows in you
i just hope you let me know more of you
because you have so much beauty
hope you know this is for you

Monday, November 30, 2009


yes i have a craving
but not what you think
for true human response
real deep connection
i want to feel home in another humans eyes
the person who makes me feel safe even when they are not near
i would like to know he exsists
someone who thrills me and shakes my core
but is gentle and able to understand me
someone who is just as able to laugh and cry with me
fly to beirut or lay on the couch for hours
know my insides truly
and see my beauty
not be afraid to correct me
and also accept my imperfections as i accept his
share his soul with me
expose his heart to me
allow me to hold him
and be his safety
talk about god
about children
about love
and reailty television
where are you?
i need you
my heart begs to be near you every night
i will find you
and i do crave you
i will never stop
until you are back with me
my love

Saturday, November 28, 2009

james spader is my dream

no more words

these eyes of strangers...these men
they see me
they tell me they know i want it
they can feel my sex
my energy
must be strong
but i dont want them
i want the sex
like you want the romance
deep down i want to be tamed
yet no man has been able
the lure is the danger
i use my eyes to tell you
i am no good
but you still want me
like candy
like cigarettes
like every bad thing you have ever wanted
i feel so good
and i am so wrong for you
you think about me at random times in the day
and each time you crave it
maybe less
maybe more
but ill stay with you
my scent will not soon be forgotten
my taste and wild inhibition will jump into your brain when you least expect it
i know how boring it is with the others
there sex cant make you blind
you pile new bodies on yourself like coats to keep warm
but im under the sheets with you
like the first time
like the last time
nothing held back
no shame
the only time you aim to please me
the only time i give full control
you make the girls feel naughty
i bring men to there knees
i make them beg and i tease them
you control and abuse with hopes and fantasy
we are the same
and i am sure you will disagree
the pain we have suffered by the hands of men
the hands of women
we have shifted and turned against them
against us
shielding us from new love
protecting us from our ghosts
making any excuse
the many men i have around is a body count
the many women you have a body count
protection from one true close visitor
we hung ourselves before our time
the first night
we both put an expiration date on each other's head
this would never last
so lets ride this hard until i break
until i leave or you kick me out
it was real
i will reach you
when you look at my picture
when you read this
you know
what im thinking
what i am doing
we are so much better with out speaking

Friday, November 27, 2009

cruel world

people actually envy the pain i feel now
they would die to feel the anguish i feel now
to feel anything would be better then there mundane life
and i see the mundane
its nearing my corner
i have changed my surroundings
yet not made a change
used you as a distraction
made you my villain
the cross i might bare
and push the punishment on you
but you did not accept
you had you own cross to bare
your own games to play
and your own baggage to unload
every red flag was lit
and every warning sounded
you hate me
and i return the favor
but why do i want to say kind words to you
why do i wish well of you
because even in sleep you would not accept my touch
not except my love
no kiss goodnight
you are a bad man
and anyone else that says different is fooled by you
you are not looking for your equal
just someone to pacify your ego
you laugh a little too hard
to prove you are not alone
you boost your self worth
so that no one sees the lonely man
these women are trophies and clay in your hand
you do not make them
you manipulate them...but for how long
when the dust settles
and the cycle comes to an end
you are laying alone
with no real mate
no real partner
fuck the legacy
you'll be dead when that happens
love is all there is
yes your pain was real
but you let the pain sculpt you very being
when the one next to you could have taken the pain away
now how horrible would that be
to sacrifice art for love
pain for love
legacy for love
you might be right
because sometimes i feel that the pain you left me is greater then any pleasure you may have given me..greater then us
the pain is a reminder of life
however horrible we were
we were not mundane
we are beautiful
cruel nature
to make us allies in bed
yet enemies in the dining room
cruel god

Thursday, November 26, 2009

expression lines

stop making me so happy
you are destroying my art
stop being so delightful
my fingers barely know where to go
ive been waiting for your face
and your expression lines
loose buttons and unknown accent
you make my senses stand and applaud
my sentences shorter
for there is no room to speak
about what beauty you bring


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

go further

thank you for leaving
but could you move faster, go further
so far that i can no longer smell your existence
so far that this web can no longer trap me
out of my mind
every false accusation
every fake moment
push it further away
you create ambiance with lies
no true
just because life happened to you it does not give you the right to judge
to make pain
because you have no more room to absorb it
you spew it
preying on loving women
and insecure lovers
they build you up
but i see through that
your metal armor
your lack of compassion
a facade
not to shield the small boy within
but to protect the beast you've become
no longer able to feel a loving act
or have remorse
get the girl to doubt herself
then pounce
and it was good...we both know that
but dont be mistaken
im not your bitch
someone else is doing your laundry
someone else can bake your cakes
i save my sweetness for those who deserve it
you're right i'm a dick
and i was locked and loaded everytime you were near
so go further
get out of my range
cause i will never touch you
not even if you beg me to
sound familiar?
who's the bitch now?
my eyes bright and big
my words are sweet and they get the job done
tell you what your ego needs
to get what i want from you
a few hot sticky moments
and you felt cheap after
what a beautiful brain you have...however your brain cant seem to think past your dick
past your self indulgence
feel love
cause i gave it
until you spit it back up
go further
still further
i dont need your war
your words
your pompous and derogatory demeanor
play god on the east coast
but still go further

girl walks into

a girl walks into the store and says
"I need to return my brain, somethings not working"
the clerk says "what seems to be the problem"
girl says "something is wrong...it wont stop thinking about him..so i need to return it"

clerk says "sorry hun we need a receipt"

girl says "oh fuck..i left it in bed"

Sunday, November 22, 2009

47 minutes

my small bed has never felt so good as it does now..at 5 am
you proved that lightening can strike twice
and lightening strikes hard with no mercy
but i showed up...i came to my rescue
woke up in a panic and knew who you were
my own self hate..reflection of my fears
the person i never want to become
i saw it so clear it made my stomach jump into my breast plate
it made my entire body tremble
the drug has yet to leave my body
it didnt fill me this time
only left this horrible sick feeling swimming in my gut
terrified to see your true emptiness the void of human
but im not you
i have time
the phone full of self assuring text conversations can be erased
i can be true
the experiment of self loathing and shame has come full circle
i no longer desire this
i no longer desire you
i feel clean
im counting the minutes of my sobriety
so far i have 46 minutes clean
and each one feels better then the next

Friday, November 20, 2009

this boys in love

I stole the keys to the skies,
We’ll leave this place for the final time,
No crying words, no goodbyes,
Yes tonight we’re burning all the tough times.

Drown all the fears that we had,
These are the things that we’ll never understand.
This time fight fire with fire,
Cause baby tonight, the world belongs to you and I.

This Boy’s in love
This boys in love
Under city, under city lights.

Don’t tell the world what we’ve known,
We’ve come so far, but theres still a way to go,
It’s dark, theres no need for lights.
When the fire in his eyes is so bright.

This boy’s in love, love.
This boy’s in love, under city lights.

Tonight, turn out the lights.
Don’t wait, too late to die.
Look out, hold on, hold tight.
Tonight all night I’m getting ready so

This boy’s in love,
This town, this street, your friends,
You’ll never see this place again,
You’ll think about it now and then.
You’ll never see our face again

this morning raw

things .... the only things ...real to me right now

go to sleep

Thursday, November 19, 2009

chocolate cake

the devil found his way back to my shoulder today
and i reply "hello, how can i help you sir"
please through my heart to the gravel again
do what you want...he gently whispers into my ear
i shake my head no-no as i walk closer to the flame
i want to burn my soft flesh and writhe again
sweep the hand across my thigh
push down gently for the perfect amount of moments
the formula works
when i reach for it
slips through my fingers like water
cant break the formula
the devil owns the recipe
he holds it close to his chest
and when i stare him directly in the eyes ... he never breaks
keeps on digging his way under my skin
my angel shows up in the knick of time
saves me from myself
reminds me i have a choice
my angel
he's got the face and the body of an angel
my angel
always quick to love me
my angel
wants to see me ... never hurts me
sweeps me off my feet
and i am happy
i dream deep
make sound decisions
wake up delighted
the devil still on my shoulder
his voice sounds distant this time
speak up devil i cant seem to hear you now
i lost interest in your recipe
feels like chocolate cake this morning
and i love it
out of the devils grasp

im not like all the other girls

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

shit...this is shit

funny how..the truth comes out
who we need to loves us..and when
the approval of strangers and the love of a father
what you believe and what you feel
all smoke and mirrors
this life never runs out of lessons for us
the darkness and the light
wonders of human nature
the cruel realities
when i stop to think about what might be real and how i should act...i realize im one small shred away from ripping my clothes off and jumping deep of the edge of the well mannered life...peeling back the skin and ripping away the patterns mapped out in my manicured brain
then i tatter on .. set my alarm
begin the next day
taking my small victories
obeying traffic and my well mannered life
and i know i want to rebel
want to spit in the face of normal
kick this well mannered life in the crotch
i want to do the things in the front of my mind..
sleep in
sneak out
tell you the things that make me sound weak
embarrass myself
play with fire
passion i miss you
where are you?
someone excite me
im so bored
falling asleep in several shades of beige
i need those razor blade desires
this still life was never for me
still i live it
only trying to please myself
just like everyone else in this well mannered life
how was i so blind?
out of the system
so small
living life on a wire
that was the time of my life
in the wind
so vulnerable

play with me

you keep me happy boy
i feel like 1955 when you are near me
i check my makeup every other minute
you give me butterflies
forgot that i deserved someone like you
we play together
when you threw rocks at my window
i got so 1955
holding your hand the whole way home
i woke up humming this morning
cant wait to see what you do next
so full of life
wonderful you
and when i ask you to play with me
you always say yes
thank you
i caught you smiling when we were back to back
smiling like me
you keep me happy boy
like 1955
cant wait till the next time you play with me

thank you depeche mode for ruining your own song for me with this eye rape!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


she fell asleep, her weakness
did i snore?
does he know im broken yet?
i tried so hard to hide the wrong
the bad, the evil bits that have dug holes in my spine
i cant swallow without this awful loud gulping sound
and it cant be hidden
and i can not lie
the bad got out
the bad burned a whole through my broken passages
seeping through in sound
in vibration
roaring out of me
telling all my secrets
some choose to laugh
some choose to leave
some choose to ignore
but if you only stayed
only once
you might notice
this sleep is loud because i never rest
my sleep is loud
my sleep roars
because people like me never truly rest
the lay still
im resting only when im buried
and i need you to know you will never bury me
you will never put me to rest
these bullets lay deep inside
and i have swallowed them
they idle while i find a place
a place for us to rest


i take every last bullet
absorb and transform
this is my skill
and i take and shift
melting to liquid and gaining momentum
building speed and strength
i am one solid beat
you fade into the sound of distant traffic in my mind
like bullets buzzing by
in the war streets
i found shelter
floating above the battle
no longer wasting my youth
i have only begun
bombs go off all around your world
firecrackers in mine
i have stars on my side
you dont move slow
brace yourself
my eyes will penetrate your business meetings
and my words will slip into your window at night
my smell will dance into your bed
someone will fall short
just wait
just watch
and you'll see my body full with bullets
who is this creature?
the one with bullets under her skin
she is the only one
she survived
did I?

The Xx says everything I cant

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sunday, November 15, 2009

streets of LA

born again into the streets of Los Angeles
the men with there opinions after the movie
excuses why ... my car is in the shop
everyone living in the life they imagined
if only in there words
words mean nothing in this city, small talk is a disease
going home to there small apartments looking up at the hills
telling me they have something bigger on the horizon
news for you men
im not the one to tell
i came here for grit
life is not your car
life is not your house on the hill
never gave a fuck about things
rather have a good meal
good trip
good fuck
no shoes
no diamonds
i never owned a diamond
but i have the best memories in my beautiful brain
you have nothing to give someone like me
i want action
wrestle you to the ground and sleep under the stars
have you ever took a train to the unknown
money is a lie
it whispers of your importance
your value
you believe the lies it tell you
to painful to look inside at what you really are
Los Angeles
you have everything don't you
how did you lose your soul?
they drive you down
stole your innocence
the world of self promotion
the house of cards
well not everyone will drink the koolaid
maybe the "big one" will divide the earth
split hollywood off and fall into the ocean
we create a new beach
take all the freeways and parking lots
and toss them over the edge of the world
and drown them
choke the sign of the hill and all is stands for
and maybe then we can be saved
free to create a new art form
maybe then i'll love you true
stop telling people you are just my mistress
this time i want you to be my wife
well you know what they say
cant turn a whore into a housewife
but this time i want to try

wide awake

it was so much more fun when you were driving me crazy
who's driving you crazy now?
i got my distractions
i got my dancing
but i want mess with a savage creature
i know you can feel it too
this fire burns right down your street
and wouldnt be easier to just avoid it
so i do
cant remember your face
you've become a shadow hovering over my back
when i sleep on my stomach
i started to resent my on flesh
for weakness that led me down this road
to weak to hold up to the challenge
i killed us on the first evening
didnt take you serious
well i never knew you'd make such a mark
now im wide awake
replay and rewind the reasons i told you to go away
i had my reasons
and you must agree
i notice more and more the men at my doorstep
and the men in reach, in the waiting
all the men dying to tell me that i cant have them
when i know damn well i have them already
just like i had you once
but now its gone
i guess it doesnt matter anymore
maybe i'll come by one day
maybe we can stay wide awake
just looking at each other
day dreaming of the world where we might work
what might have become of us
if you were younger and untouched
if i was just a bit more something
can't be what you want
you dont know what that is
just me
how wonderful that is
and when i have it i know its real
i embrace truth
you spit
how weird and lovely
i restrain my actions
you dissolve them
wide and awake

frou frou

I join the queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up I know you're there
Can't you hear?
I'm not myself

Well, go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you

So listen up
The sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line, can you handle it?)

So how do I do normal?
A smile I fake
the "per-ma-nent-way"
cue-cards and fix-it kits
Can't you tell?
I'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints
I don't wanna feel anything but I do
And it all comes back to you

So listen up
"This" sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line, can you handle it?)

Hear me out
Listen up
This time you gotta listen to me - yeah
Look at me straight
Just hear me out
Don't make me wait
I'm not myself
I can't take this
Love's on the line
Is that your final answer?

I join the queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up, I know you're there...

So listen up
"This" sun hasn't set
I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
It's love on the line, can you handle it?

the pilgiarist

i starting to realize the fear deep in my belly
the one that tells me "you do deserve this"
"this is who you are"
"there may never be another like him"
so i assure myself this too will pass
not to fear those voices
the dream was just a dream
you never cared to ask what the dream was
and i fear you never read me
but in this dream i saw you
i saw right through you
you never asked me
because i remembered something quite fimilar in this dream
was it a bluebird, or maybe a daffodil?
something quite frail like that
we all have the ablity for a pilgiarist in the waits
whatever makes us feel human
the sex gives me that
moments of anger and guilt give me that
because of my efforts have been tossed to the wind
in my dream we lived in a slum
back in the roman times
if romans had niggers
and we slept under a red light
and you told me something real...i think you meant it
my heart got full and spilled into the slum
i asked and i begged you repeat it
but you got that look on your face again
i hate that look
like ive known you for decades and you had alzheimer's again
your brows squeezed in tight and you pushed me off your chest
i kicked and screamed and fell deep in the alley way
crying for hours
even though dreams are seconds
i woke up
and thought to myself
was it worth it?
all those tears in the alleyway
and you cant even remember the words
well who knows
the night has come again i hesitate to close my eyes
i wake up with a good man
just like yesterday
but my dreams belong to you
my mind is still held on could have beens
although im sure like i was sure then
you fuck for sport
so ill take my good man
keep your bluebird
keep your daffodil
i never saw much of them
you can win old man
hope it gives you resolution
thought our bond was made of something stronger
turns out dental floss kept us bound
pussy juice and allergic reactions
sour hearts and snoring
nothing really
someone told me to do what i want
just never tell a soul
i never was any good at secerts
and i always lose in love
but i am a woman of passion
and the taste of it is here
its my reflection again
in a broken man's life
who could resist the smell of wounded boy?
not I said the fly
i need to sleep
the dream cums



Friday, November 13, 2009

eyes in my palms

i saw the world today
saturated every sense..as if i had been holding my eyes in my palms for years
open my palms and here it was
the world on foot no longer through the windshield
or through the disappointments of others
fresh and virginal
just my own
and it excites me
i have mountains to climb
and the earth to explore
i always knew i was meant for more
however today i didnt look down on the masses
or through the crowds
i looked into there faces
and was amazed by there beauty
the weakness of the average man
to desire and fail and wake up and drink coffee
the man who truly loves his child
i never knew this
the well adjusted
the extremely boring well adjusted souls
gotta love them
i want myself a well adjusted soul
and the workers just dying to touch my ass
or scream about my ass
as i walk to work at 8 am
it makes me giggle as i wink and smile
while picturing how they may meet there death
maybe heart attack
possible car accident
or tragic house fire
its all tragic right?
fuck it
i love it
i love my pain and i love my ass
my looks were no misfortune
i will use the world with these looks and never go hungry
fuck the world with these looks
and the world fucks back
no remorse
no ease of timing
this is life
and aint it grand

Thursday, November 12, 2009


the walls pulse and drip our sweat
this time we've cum to kill the pain
no hope for us...we made sure of that
now there is nothing but this primal urge
i want you to break my wrists
i flood for you
make time stand still
turn around
let me lick that smile off your face
that wicked smile
the one that knew i would crawl back into this bed
to feed you
there is no other guilty pleasure that compares
touch the space between us like glass
break the daylight
hold me down..one hand on the back of my neck
one hand deep inside
feel how much i wanted this
against my will i wanted this
i need to remember the way your voice makes me feel
bad girl
bad man
bad things
wicked wicked wicked
drug of choice
break me of this desire
i crave the heat the liquid heat
the taste of our sex
help me
how can i ever be released from this
a single spark of passion
changing us forever
torturing me
chain me to this bed
i know what waits for us after this fire
do not let this end
you grind your teeth
and i know you want to release
your controling the pace
look at me
drink me
taste me
nothing is more real
then the primal desire that i have for you
abuse it
i dont care anymore
take it
life is not worth living with out this
grab me by my throat and show me
how much you missed it
you need just like me
tell me

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


amazing how fast my wounds heal
i have so much joy in me it is seemingly never ending
for all the pain my rebound is so exquisite
and these sad songs make me sing so loud with the biggest smile on my face
because this storm has passed
and the wind took your evil actions so far from my doorstep
the rain and my tears washed my soul clean of any traces of you
i need no further reflections to see my self
i feel so big today
i feel my beauty
breaking out of my eyes like prisms
the warmth comes from within me
i have the power to break my own heart
i never needed you
my head is high with dignity
i see myself so clearly now
how far i have come and where i know i am headed
the tears are tears of joy
thank you
mom you should see me today
thank you
my beautiful friends
my worthy foes
you never saw such a power
i will continue my life with passion
with laughter
with love
with faith
with trust
with grace
i came here to give the love inside me
it grows stronger everyday

best thing ive seen in a long time



saliva becomes thick
blood seems to form in my throat
my tounge swells so large that it squeezes past my jaw
breathing is difficult
my eye lids crack
i cry blood
my need for water surpasses all
morals slip
shrinking to dust
i return to my thirst
shame has no place in this moment

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


i am going through withdrawal
i realize now Ive been medicated with our sex
with that high
im fairly sure you have too
no need to truly hear me
when you can touch me
and i crave it still
however i craved your respect more
if you could only turn eyes to mine
you would see im full of forgiveness for you
all you have to is ask it
we have been through wars
and nothing will change our past
my soul wants peace with a man who has seen those wars
knows my battles
and sees my strength
i would gladly give anything for this man
but this man would never ask me to give my self respect
be my treasure let me wrap you in my arms
and never let you fall

what makes you turn to the comfort of your laptop
the comfort of your phone
the walls that surround you are trap doors
they fall and reappear
i never stood a chance
why did you tear up when i was leaving?
didnt you want me to leave
because i never wanted to
push me
im no different then the countless others you have undoubtedly done the same too
but you were different for me
im no match for the offense you have created in hopes to avoid true human contact
true love
i will never deny you my affection

did you hate being in my atmosphere?
did i scare you?
too close
were the stars not alined
you never budged an inch for me Mister
there are worlds inside me to explore
i never wanted someone inside more then you
the fire does not extinguise that easily
i hope i haunt your dreams
i hope you see my eyes when you close yours
remember me
remember how much control you had
you choose this for us
i spent the day in bed mourning you
how much pain would i be in if you were ever really mine and i lost you
i dont think i would survive it
you are so fucking beautiful
fuck me
i want to lick the lips god gave you
i want to reverse time and shake you
everything inside me is screaming out
show up!
show up!
give up
he decided a long time ago i was not the one
no angel
no saviour
not enough

if i was really listening to you and not your damn fingers
your damn written words
i would have heard the words that were always meant for me
"im not available for you"
"my love is a prize reserved for myself"
"im hurt and alone, and i am determined to stay this way"
"you are only an experiment"
"you presence makes me nervous"

how stupid was i?
silly girl
silly silly silly girl

you knew from the start
you thought he might be a sheep in wolve's clothing
he doesnt want to let go of the wolf

let me tell you something Mr.
my love is worth a million others
the gift that could set you free
my love is blind for you
never limit you or judge you
it opens daily more and more
i would walk through fire for my love
find you anywhere and pull you out of your sorrow
once i give it
it never dies
but you refused it
test me
test me
but never disrespect me
love is patient
love is kind
and so am i
however i will not be a toy
i am not a child

you can no longer use your bed to skip over the issues
if you want me you can find me
fight for me
show me i was wrong
you are capable
you never wanted to hurt me
show me

show up
show up

show me this love you have inside
the unbridled passion
the romance
the respect

you said you adore me
well i adore you

fix it
be my man
strong enough to fix this
strong enough to let me in

Saturday, November 7, 2009


used as a muse in the flash of a light
in the blink of an eye
i was special just like everyone else
like every other perfect pussy he ever saw
the words work
words crafted for his muse, for an extension of his art
no these words are not for me
they never were...they extend from him like limbs
limbs pulling you in and pushing your heart
real in this moment
and that is what his life is
a series of real moments
adding up
and when the mountain of moments has reached the sky
he sits on top...proud as a lion
looking down he sees the bodies that lay beneath him
those beautiful muses
those perfect pussies
and at the bottom he sees himself
looking up
he can not reach
he will not fall
this is his eternal struggle
to except one he must except all
and this he will never do
the reflection of his mountain is brighter then the sun
blinding his sight with its truth
larger then art, it beams
these words were for the world
the better good
damn the casualties
damn the mountain of tears and tragedy
these words are not for you
you are the inspiration
not the reason

i lie on top of your heap
my body still warm
for how long?
my blood is streaming down the mountain
the beautiful icing on your cake

im neither your alpha or omega
your begin
your end
i am simply a counter reflection
and a kindered spirit
you will hold me to the sky
with your palm on the small of my back
i drape over you like a treasured linen
wear me until i am no longer in fashion
discard my presence and return to your mountain
these are my fears.deep and true
i can not hide them
i simply push them down deeper and hold my head up
giving myself as willing as Jacob to Issac
your lamb

Friday, November 6, 2009


needing under my breast plate between the flesh and cartlidge
there is an endless needing
it needs you to grab me
it needs to recapture
it needs to know the future
and it wants to be wrong
the ball of need that wraps itself into the face of a harmless girl
it is wicked and crafty
it shows no remorse for the awful things it will surely do
because it needs more
collecting pain and tossing aside victims
this needs grins and pats me on the back
kill need kill
take a number
fuck off
you are nothing compared to my need
need to understand
need to fuck
need to consume
need for more
or are you?
the need wants you
the need wants dinner
the need wants answers
the need wants god
are you god?
can you end the need?
there is nothing that will make all my wrongs right
no throwing the need into the sea
my need is endless
endless as the ocean

Friday, October 30, 2009

2 am

older everyday older
stretched and weathered
skin and flesh
bones on the ground
when my ribs were split open
i felt your breath blow in new life
each day stronger and each day longer
until i had strength in my ankles to support my legs
then legs to hips and hips to torso
my head still hanging
not a drop of energy can be wasted
when you pull away i long for you
still i have no breath of my own
you resurrect me
you restrain me
you command me
you contain me
i wait patiently for your embrace
i wait to see your anger cool
my love is a jealous god
quick to anger
yet fast to forgive
not without reason
not without tolerance
my claws retract
i yield to you
never knowing
yet ever trusting

Thursday, October 29, 2009


i woke up writhing
needing to intertwine with your body
proof of my primal existence
my heart pounds and races
however my pulse is slow and throbbing

the more i ignore to touch
the stronger my desire becomes

i need it

how much longer can this grow inside of me
building and rising
becoming an animal inside me
devouring every other need

my flesh is weak
my desire is powerful

quiero tener sexuales con usted minuto

j'ai besoin de vous
j'ai besoin vous toucher

il sesso me

desee queme como yo le desse

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

behind the gate

the grass outside the house has blades made of razors
cutting my toes at the edge of the lawn
and there is a gate that looms over me as tall as a skyscraper
everyday i bounce my ball close to the edge
curious to see if my ball bursts

my curiosity grows inside me like a weed
killing all my flowers
one by one
till it stranglers the last of my common sense

how can i get over?
something so beautiful has to be on the other side...why else would it be so well guarded?

morning comes and i play on the edge of the bloodstained lawn
this morning im bursting with fearless energy
i need to know what is behind the gate
its calling me

with one large gasp of breath i start a fast tip toe across the blades
that sudden pain rushing through me with each step i feel it increase
by the time i reach the patch of pavement beneath the door
im standing in a pool of blood
i realize that the gate guards something so beautiful
it cant be seen
it cant be held
it fills my heart

my knees give out
i fall to the ground like a leaf through the air
my hands slam into the pool of blood that now surrounds me
as the gate glides open the light streams over my body
all i feel is warmth
i finally feel home

behind the gate
i feel whole
behind the gate
i am at peace

Monday, October 26, 2009

he is haunting me

every half thought
every corner of my eye
every breeze across my body
takes me there

the walls cry out this night
my sheets mock his shape
he is haunting me

he came to me through you
i mourned you before i met you
this road has been traveled

drawn to your scent
its a distant memory i plung into
it embraces me and pulls me under
im useless without it

i let your hands tell me what he wants me to hear
and we dont need much
my body is weightless with your touch
ive undressed your mind

i drink the secerts in your taste
you see deeper inside then anyone dares too
if you look away we might lose this
the fire is in your veins
dont ask to be released


once i looked back into your eyes they lost there twinkle
you lost your power
the power you held over me when i thought you saw my soul
now i know different
you see a reflection, and that reflection no longer fits me

you never wanted self improvement
only self indulgence
feed the ego
the last word
power that has been stolen

you can have it
take what little power i had left
for i am reborn in my mud
with nothing i rebuild

i let myself forget what is long lasting
what i came to do

beneath my hyper exterior lays a beautiful heart
broken to fit yours

my heart is broken
only to fit yours

your heart was broken
to fit mine

we are reborn in our mud

to shine
to twinkle
he wants the undamaged
the untouched
he wants what he hasnt already broken
to see no fear in her eyes

she will be his angel
with her he will take flight
this woman has undoubted faith in him
this woman will love jesus
for only god can make him clean again
and she will be his vessel

no other life form could resist her
he felt fear creep into his heart
the treasure god had sent to him had other loves
these loves must be destroyed

he saw her pure undying love for other vessels
his heart was full of rage
then he saw the fear in her eyes
she was damaged
she had been touched
she must be broken

he must be alone
in god we trust

sex and rain

the electricity flows from your fingertips to my spine sending a heatwave through my body that sweet white heat that reminds me i'm alive
push me to the ground force me to my knees i want to be the one to show you my body has no limits i'm here to do as you please my pulse races knowing where your lips are going
give me more.
make me scream.
and your not shy you make me bleed i bite down hard i push you inside the pleasure is sending tears to my eyes my body shakes in complete ectasy
this moment is why god made man
and even god would blush watching us
when we no longer have breath or sweat in our body
i'm still hungry for you
i can't stop. this pleasure turns to pain
the rain outside cleanses what we've done
my eternal desire

my first steps

writing was something i started in therapy at the ripe age of 14, to let the demons out, to free myself of thoughts only paper could handle. only months before i was a girl of god, a daughter of a righteous family. a family mislead by there church. a family mislead by the need to conceal. everyone had such high expectations of what this good looking, god fearing, wholesome family could achieve until one day. this girl of god broke. she jumped out of a window. she jumped into a strange car. this car lead her to a path that would alter her life. the life of her family. little did she know her family was based on reputation, and god would show no mercy on those with little reputation.

back to the car. i dove in the back seat laid close to the floor for at least a mile before she peaked up to the front seat. i didnt hear much except for the soft grunting of a 33 year old man. she knew what that grunting meant but i was scared to see. all i know is that my best friend is in the front seat with the man. the man with no face. my best friend poked her head over the front seat wiped her mouth and said "what took you so long!". all she could reply was "where are we going?" " I told you it's a surprise,why are you such a drag" i shrug and sink back into the floor, my eyes always get heavy when stress levels rise. i would fall asleep whenever danger was close. to this day i use sleep to escape anything, i must admit its not very constructive. the car drives for what seems like hours. we stop at an abandoned gold course. i see kennywood in the distance, something about the unlit rollercoaster was soothing and unsettling all at once. she tells me to stay on the bench, "his friend should be here soon" i lay down on the park bench and without fail my eyes become heavy and i am sleeping before she can get to the bottom of the hill.

i wake up startled. directly in eye shot only 2 feet away is a full grown dear. i freeze. the dear gets closer to my face for one long sniff then prances away. i feel a long cold chill through my body. every sense is heightened, my stomach is doing back flips. i have the sense i'm about to be changed forever, and im not wrong. slowly i stand and begin to walk down the slope of the golf course, through the patches of tall grass i see a pond. there is one weeping willow. at the the base of this beautiful tree trunk i see legs, 4 legs. my pace is slowing as i approach..the whole time im calling her name..still nothing. closer.closer. i hear it. that fimilar grunt. my stomach churns..is that? she jerks her head up and wipes her mouth again. his pants are down, he has no face. she screams "i told you to wait! his friend is on his way!!"

now im running..god can see me! this isnt happening...things will never be the same