Tuesday, December 28, 2010


insecure lover
frail girl
meets eyes of diamonds
strong hesistation
self doubt
shot of adrenaline
touch of his hand
lose of control
tear down her face
unlike anything else
reach for the wheel
fall to the ground
give up
give in
feel the embrace
of sin
kiss of sin


you cant find inspiration, it must find you
and i can not force the wind in my direction
i merely fall into it and hope to be carried back to you
back to the forest of my imagination
where i call and you answer
we are free there
willing to be kind
breathing in the trees pure oxygen
diving into the ocean inside
we are safe to fall
this place exists if not only in my mind
finding it is much more tricky
i hold one key
and you hold the other
they must be used together
and they cant be copied
we hold them deep inside
so only when we hold each other near can we unlock paradise
the warmth opens the door
and surrounds us with light
stars in the sunlight
they almost blind us with joy
look around you
the colors are more vivid then ever
things you never thought possible
become our new reality
when you are near
nature exuberates our return to each other
the elements are at peace when we find our way back to each other
my body becomes soft for you completely yielding to your presence
all harsh imperfections of the old world drift into oblivion
something inside you says loudly to hold on to this moment
we hold on
we stay near
knowing that sometimes truth is the hardest thing to see
the world around us could crumble if we let go
it might shattered like one tiny crack in the dashboard
when we feel it slide down between us so sight
as to say i told you so
the truth will bring the darkness
blanketing the noise around us
the sounds turn black
and all we have left is the feeling of each other
let it pass over us
float through this void
become stronger for me
hold me tighter till the storm passes
prove to me that the darkness is not the truth
prove to me that the forest is the truth
that what we have created is stronger then this world around us
i will defend it, i will protect it
will you?

Friday, December 24, 2010

Teenage Sex

I remember this song
the summer i took acid
we drove to Ocean City in my first car and the headlights broke
I stole a coffee mug with my boyfriend's name on it and spent the night in jail
and when I left the jail at dawn you put shrooms in my mouth
we listened to this song and floated
i just turned 18
life had no rules
life was life
no 9-5
no shocking realities
just kissing by the ocean
and touching felt so amazing
summer love ends
but is never forgotten
i want to hold all my moments like this and tie them together
put them on the chair in my room
no flat screen TV
no designer clothes
no fancy car

I want these memories
proof that i lived
i am alive

even though there is no one swimming in my sea
or making waves
i look at my chair in my room

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

bad timing

I looked in your eyes tonight and I felt it
something in my body got weak. i melted
however ive seen this road
and ive taken this leap of faith before
i flashed forward to my needing
flash of longing, even deeper cuts then this
how is it possible that i feel pushed to you like a magnet
but fate has us slip by each other again
you are just out of my reach
but i see you
i know you are there
so how could i ignore that
can you?
well lets see.
can you see me and leave me?
do we intervene?
let fate take it's course
every instinct i have tells me to try
tells me to not let the past steer my future
i want to be child like
without fear, without pain
but sometimes pain teaches us
what to avoid
what traps are set before us
you are tempting
and i may never be certain if you worth the tears and hard work
i guess i will leave it in your hand
let someone fight for me this time around.
that's how it must be
and i hope you show up
timing was never our strong suit
but we wear it well

Friday, December 10, 2010


I want to kill everybody in the world
I want to eat your heart
I want to fuck everybody in the world
I want to taste the flesh
I want to swallow everybody in the world
I want to digest your soul
I want to devour everybody in the world
I want to ingest there calories
I want to remove everybody in the world
I want to cum on your face
I want to numb everybody in the world
I want to stop this pain

Sunday, December 5, 2010


i want so much more this time
not to just look in your eyes
or your soul
i want the world to stand still
i want your touch to stop my restless body
and you dont exist
im dying each day
losing myself
to be special
to be popular
to be seen
when all i want is to find my peace in this world

instead i find meaningless one night stands
when all i have is love in my heart
i want to connect
i want to feel flesh
i want to consume
and nothing is ever enough
please exist
stop making my body ache for you
im starving alone without you
my mind
my spirit
is fading

with every superficial light
with every bad decision

am i on the path away from ever finding you?
where do I turn?
when i can no longer trust myself.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

my eyes are burning to be shut
my fingers are aching to be heard
and i find no comfort here
no where to run
so i stay still
until it comes over me
the beat
a way to be free
a universe inside me
i retreat to my universe
the sea

i dont need comfort
i am earth

Sunday, November 28, 2010


i remember once you told me
"people like us share a communion"
a fellowship like ours was not to be matched by those smiling consumers
the masses
and i believed you
i surrendered to your thoughts
that cut through the gray we surround ourselves in
you always had the most beautiful way of making black and white
seem like a rainbow
even the most blunt truths
taste sweet in the end
you are a corner stone of inspiration
a man


never crushed by life
and the filth
up and angry
coffee and cigarettes
fuel for what magic happens when you open your mind
what beauty you spill into a world that may not deserve you
i am proud to be one of the few to be called your audience
to have been in a lions den

and soon the sun will orbit you for the 44th time
i hope it blesses you with health and happiness
you deserve it

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Opium Winter

I feel the dark embrace of past desires all around me
you feel the sun beat down your door
dont answer
besides it will only fall beneath the horizon
lay down near me
touch the space between us till it sends shivers down your spine
look into me
get lost
the energy inside me will become your opium
outside is winter
frozen with never ending stress
ill stay still
warm you
make time behave
we dont have to laugh
we dont have to be entertained
we can let truth sweep on top of us
and just be
i dont need the answers
to co exist
just want to feel peace
i feel my organs
keeping me alive
never complaining
and i finally appreciate them
remarkable oxygen
keeping you from falling away
suddenly this globe makes sense
if only for a moment
if it were all this simple
i just want to feel home
where is my home
no more questions
not now
let me have this
my opium winter

feel it all around

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Do not be mistaken i am not human
i can take the shape of flesh and bones
but there is no humanity inside
my eyes penetrate you
they search your energy
i use sex for fuel
the last remaining entertainment on this low light globe

("There were giants (Hebrew: Nephilim) in the earth in those days, and also after that, when the Sons of God (angels) came unto the daughters of men (humans) and they bare children to them (a hybrid, mutant race, part human, part angelic) the mutant offspring were giants, physically and mentally superior to humans, yet they were brutish, sensual, violent and immoral, and they were all males. It is likely that the various mythological figures of some ancient cultures are distorted stories of these very Nephilim, and the condition of society prior to the great deluge, which destroyed them all.



Thursday, October 28, 2010


Metaphor for a missing moment
Pull me into your perfect circle

One womb
One shape
One resolve

Liberate this will
To release us all

Gotta cut away, clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue that's
Keeping me from killing you

And from pulling you down with me in here
I can almost hear you scream

Give me
One more medicated peaceful moment
One more medicated peaceful moment

And I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Because I don't wanna feel this overwhelming

Gotta cut away Clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue
Gotta cut away Clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue that's
Keeping me from killing you
Keeping me from killing you

Monday, October 4, 2010


i slipped on my own two feet
running too fast into you
and the ground knocked the wind out of me
i was so high up
so i lay here on the ground
you by my side barely able to move
we make eye contact that says "why"
and was i only aloud this one mistake this time
i scream to be heard
when all i needed was a whisper
and now i cant remember you
remember what made me beam
i want to go back to the beginning
start again
take back all the things i couldnt understand
what made me run so fast and fall so hard
and know what i know now
that you are someone worth waiting for
worth my patience
worth my letting go
ill wait this time to lay the groundwork
i will help you up and set you free
to come back one day stronger
and if you never come here again
i will still love you
because its truly all i can do
the future is unsure
and the present is a mess
i see you
i saw you
and you are beautiul

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


i crave the ground and the dirt
the matter beneath my feet
i want to bury myself deep below
below the layers that have been touched by this machine land
peel back the shell
crawl inside
and become reborn
her voice carries the pain Ive known
i want to leave it in the ground so deep

will that voice always be mine?
do tears always feel this good?
these tears are so heavy
the air doesn't move in this room

can i embrace my black heart a few more moments?
till i return it to the past
because i can not seem to see the big picture
its killing me to look through this keyhole
you never opened the door
i begged you
not to point me to your written word
give me clarity
her faith was not enough to save her from this wretched world
how could mine be?

i can only wish for the beauty to remain
its all around me
i feel it
i feel love
ill let it out wherever i can
pushing it out through my mouth
and i know if it's never returned
it is never lost
no one is coming to save us
we are not lost
just spinning
sometimes i gain the momentum to realize that I am standing perfectly still
and sometimes im so dizzy i cant see straight ahead of me
lets make this feel right
will you stand with me?
so perfectly fast
i want to feel the ground spin
shed the past
disobey gravity
and let this tear feel good
let it jump into the atmosphere
burst into rain
cleanse the ground beneath my feet
come full circle

become one once more
full of love

you make me feel

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

round we go

next wave, next dance, next page
faster comments, faster reactions, faster rage
live faster
move quicker
catch up
we are far ahead of you
alter your mental state to fit
our measure of success
we painted a picture for you
now act
this american dream fits you
its all for you
run in place and wait for your prize
its coming
its almost here
can you see it?
can you smell it?
all one could ever dream for
dream big
fall big
and we go around again

Sunday, August 22, 2010


im lost in this world waiting for life
im a planet in orbit spinning at the speed of light
you move in to my rotation as if simultaneously injecting
and i have no choice but to observe myself crash into your mass
into the beauty that you are
there might be no right timing
this may only be now
thank you for now
thank you for this feeling
tapping into a world that i forgot
humanity was meant for us
to form shapes
to fit each other
and you fit now
you are my energy
inside you lays a world
ive been waiting to explore
please grant me the patience to survive you
in our heads we are giants
we know the truth....

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


I've got a red pair of high-heels on
Tumble me over, it doesn't take much
Tumble me over, tumble me, push
In my red high-heels I've no control
The rituals of repression are so old
You can do what you like, there'll be no reprisal
I'm yours, yes I'm yours, it's my means of survival

I've got 54321
Come on my love, I know you're strong
Push me hard, make me stagger
The pain in my back just doesn't matter
You force-hold me above the ground
I can't get away, my feet are bound
So I'm bound to say
That I'm bound to stay

Well today I look so good
Just like I know I should
My breasts to tempt inside my bra
My face is painted like a movie star
I've studied my flaws in your reflection
And put them to rights with savage correction
I've turned my statuesque perfection
And shone it over in your direction
So come on darling, make me yours
Trip me over, show me the floor
Tease me, tease me, make me stay
In my red high-heels I can't get away
I'm trussed and bound like an oven ready bird
But I bleed without dying and I won't say a word
Slice my flesh and I'll ride the scar
Put me into gear like your lady car
Drive me fast and crash me crazy
I'll rise from the wreckage as fresh as a daisy
These wounds leave furrows as they heal
I've travelled them, they're red and real
I know them well, they're part of me
My birth, my sex, my history
They grew with me, my closest friend
My pain's my own, my pain's my end
Clip my wings so you know where I am
I can't get lost while you're my man
Tame me so I know your call
I've stabbed my heels so I am tall
I've bound my twisted falling fall
Beautiful mute against the wall
Beautifully mutilated as I fall
Use me, don't lose me

I've got 54321
I've got a red pair of high-heels on
Strap my ankles, break my heels
Make me kneel, make me feel
Turn, turn, turn, like a clockwork doll
Put in your key and give me a whirl
Tease me, tease me, the reason to play
In my red high-heels I can't get away
I'll be your bonsai, your beautiful bonsai
Your black-eyed bonsai, erotically rotting
Will my tiny feet fit your desire?
Warped and tied I walk on fire
Burn me out, twist my wrists
I promise not to shout, beat me with your fists
Squeeze me, squeeze me, make me feel
In my red high-heels I'm an easy kill
Tease me, Tease me, make me see
You're the only one, I need to be me
Thankyou, will you take me?
Thankyou, will you make me?
Thankyou, will you break me?
Use me, don't lose me
Taste me, don't waste me
Use, lose, taste, waste

Monday, August 9, 2010


we built ourselves high on words
on a house of cards
never realizing how fragile we are
every action counts boy
and each day and each word we raise the stakes
taking it day by day
you are worth faith
you are worth the mental struggle
to believe

Monday, July 12, 2010

somethings bend time..i hear this and i am 17 again

tonight you stooped to my level
i am your mangy little whore
you are trying to find your underwear
and then your socks and then the door
and you're trying to find a reason
why you have to leave
i know it's 'cuz you think you're adam
and you think i'm eve

you rhapsodize about beauty
and my eyes glaze
everything that i love is ugly
i mean really, you would be amazed
just do me a favor
it's the least that you can do
just don't treat me like i am
something that happened to you

i am truly sorry about all this

you put a tiny pinprick
in my big red balloon
and as i slowly start to exhale
that's when you leave the room
i did not design this game
i did not name the stakes
i just happen to like apples
and i am not afraid of snakes

i am truly sorry about all this
i envy your ignorance
i hear that it's bliss

so i let go of the ratio
of things said to things heard
and i leave you to your garden
and the beauty you preferred
and i wonder what of this
will have meaning for you
when you've left it all behind
i guess i'll even wonder
if you meant it
at the time

Sunday, July 11, 2010

if being alone is a curse
then what is this
i only wish to be cursed
my skin crawls with not enough space from fingers
from touchig
from embraces

when all im am wishing for is you to understand
i need space
between times
to get the look off your face
the look i can not return
its my weakness
i need more time
who ever didnt
who ever wouldnt

and i would never allow myself this luxury
to live without my own self destruction
what life would that be

demons inside my mind pull me away from the wanting arms
the loving arms
if they are yours today
they will be his tomorrow
and so on

run into the fire
i will dance into these flames
and ashes to ashes
we all fall down


So this is why they make so many apocalyptic movies
they foresee a better death then this
how i wish the earth would open up and swallow
then to to remain lying here dying from your kiss

if im wiser with age then i must be pretty young
the more i know less i have to hold on to
every theory has been shot to shit
to love and lose is there any other way

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


this morning came hard and loud
and when i wrapped these chains around me
my only thought was how they would feel
when you unarmed me
when you released me

Saturday, June 12, 2010


when the sun goes down and there is nothing left but this soft digital glow
and the bible on my bedside table hides its pages
the time has come for all evil thoughts to peak over
my minds eye takes over

visions of chains wrapped around flesh
there is no resurrection for sins like these

how will i ever know when im alive
if i can not kill you a little
soft glow contain me
soft glow keep me human
soft glow please release me
soft glow make me understand

the violence under my skin is becoming harder to control
im bursting at the seems to disagree with you
i can no longer tolerate what small talk drops from your lips
so take me back to my soft glow

soft glow will you hear me
soft glow will you accept me
soft glow love the hole inside my heart
soft glow we are one.we will neer be apart

so TAKE ME to this new reality


Wednesday, June 9, 2010

shut mouth be a dear

my bed side table

the bedside table looks beautiful this morning
all my favorite evidence
the pieces that make up my dna
when i see them i remember how fragile i am
how beautiful i am
the petals that make up me
laughter,sex, imperfections, strength, heart
i own all the love in the world
and i use it how i choose
i choose for good
so when i leave this bedside table i take pockets of my love
to work
to the cafe
to my corner shop
to my telephone
shooting you
sitting ducks
open your head
i want to fill it

red markers

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

technicolor advances

i want the colours to flow like technicolor vision through my skin
i am a horse of another color
around each bend
new understanding
fuscia brings wide eyes and sticky fingers
and in the morning
indigo brings melancholy backlashes
turns my brain to tangerine
when the green knight arrives again
im ready for departure
with wings painted amber
touch the bright neon lights once again
my feet barely touching the ground beneath me
i ran alongside my golden horse
to the ivory castle in my dreams
the sands of time fall faster
and gray sets the path ahead
running faster away from the sunlight
but the beams hit the street and slide into my bedroom
leaving my violet lids raw and defenseless
i surrend
turning ruby
ruby heart
ruby rage
find me faster
i dropped my amber wings at your doorstep
and daylight will lead you back
goodnight green knight

goth star

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

resisting my fragility

everyday forging a metal exterior
resisting my fragility
i wake and shake the day before last
hoping ive learned this time
something lasting
giving all i had to give yesterday
i reach for more
inside myself
what can i give today
when can i receive
i throw myself into the wind
hoping hands will catch me
those hands that took my heart
without earning it
the heart i give everyday
never knowing if it's enough
but it will have to do for now
today in this day
i will forget yesterday
i will not let it poke through
to seep through my moments
today i will be free of thought
and let the heart i threw to the wind
fall where it may
i build up my strength
and never let go of my eternal fragility

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

my emo playlist

Seawolf - you're a wolf
Band of Horses - No ones gonna love you
Elliot smith - Needle in the hay
Death Cab for a cutie - I will possess your heart
Cursive - the recluse
Memory tapes - Bicycle
Grade - The Inefficiency of emotion (AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!!!) love grade...love this


i forgot how much i loved this song

Sunday, May 2, 2010

everyone is so busy creating art...what happening to the basics
the simple
what happened to pleasure
if anyone wanted to live they would let go
let go of what was cool
what was art
art holds us back
art keeps us restrained
anyone who says they want this life is lying
lying to themselves and to god
to god to make him happy
to save there lives
the lives that mean nothing
the lives they dont want
you keep you demeanor for fear of consequence
but what if there was none
just beauty
just love
everything was white
and i was your girl
we flew through these fields...and we lived in bed
when does this reality begin
i think it does when we make it!
lets live
lets live!!
please live with me
and i will set you free
i will give you pure
i will give you honest
just come with me

have faith

here comes this pressure...this everlasting depth
and you cant swallow
you wont breath
i have so much to give...so much to throw on you
your hands fill with my black
with my red
with my everlasting liquids....
i spill on to you
and i wait for the one strong enough to hold them
hold me down
when i try to fly...when i try to leave you
and when you see the fear in my eyes...when you know that i want to fall
you hold me
because you know i have so much to give
and you know there is nothing in this world left to live for but me
i know the same...i cant escape you
just like i cant escape oxygen
why would i want to??
i pretend that sex fill me
but you knew better
filling me with hope
filling me with kindness
building my heart from a coal mine to a warm place
of shelter
of rescue

and i will hold you
i will lift you up
i will be everything thing you have ever needed
the one pushing you towards greatness
you are my diamond
i wield you to the ever growing light you are
please trust my love
trust my compassion

if you have nothing left
have trust
have faith
in me
and i will return it to you
ten fold

you will see the immaculate being you are
when i return to the light inside of you

Monday, April 19, 2010


shocking how a few notes can transcend you back in time just long enough to loosen the wrinkles on your face
long enough to remind you
your battles have not been lost
the have been leading you
showing you who you are
because in this momentary time travel you will see yourself
how far you have come and how true you always were
the map is on your hands
in the palm that carries your new journey
so dont forget to obey gravity

this melody reminds me of the love i almost never had
someone who traveled through time beside me
i lost you in the life before this one
and now im lost without you
i keep it in my palm
the knowledge of how deep a love can be
all else pales
and i am left glossy black

the moments are catching up and the wrinkles start to reappear
just like that you are mortal once again
and my palms become fists again
trying to find honesty

melody remind me once more
i hope i die tonight..from fright from everything that is happening in my head...from everything unsaid...from all the words i never really wanted to have said...from every half breath...from every undead movement...from all the false statements uttered from our lips...and this is not a breakup poem..this is a life poem...we swallow this reality like it is all we are capable of.

if that's true then we are smaller then i had dreamed...my dreams are drug induced fantasies..and i dont want to wake up...infact...make me sleep harded...not higher...harded...down deeper..into dirt.. into my grave, bury me with my idols.. oh wait i dont have IDOLS... thou shall not love false idols... so bury me with god...

God, I believed you. I wanted you
i thought you wanted me to
why dont you
every step i take makes me one less step away from
why humans?
for sport?

the top of the food chain is the bottom of the ladder
the first step
when everyone is pushing on your head to get above you
no one really looks at the ground beneath them right?
so why should we?
you gave us a soul....
or did i invent that
a soul
i have nothing...i have no choices...i decided to surrender

take me

Friday, April 9, 2010

i love nacho

the sex secert .... was brilliant... it was so powerful what you said. it moves me. i feel the same strength in sex to send you falling so fast without control. thank you, for being strong enough to say the words with such clarity. que fuerte

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


the spots in my mind that are bright are slowly being covered in black
ounces of hopes slip through my filter
leaving only grinds and murk
i slowly forget love
i am forgeting what made me human
but i still havent harden yet
i make the attemps daily
what makes me move...
i could lay still forever
ash to ash
dust to dust
was i ever solid?
i am dust
i am ash
only a shell
holding my ash
my liquids ran out
i spewed every last tear
every last cum
every last drop of blood
and i am removed from my humanity
i no longer reach to heal
or be healed
i want this earth to burn
i feel nothing for this world
let it fall to the black
it all goes black in the end
im ready for the end

Thursday, February 25, 2010


just another pretty face to hang my hopes on
one more empty promise to myself
you were cordial to all the guests
when i saw you i needed your eyes to meet mine
but they never did
not truly

you have the face
you have the skills
you have the social graces

god let you see me
before there is no more time
see my inspiration

i will get better for you
next time we meet i will be a Phoenix
rising from the ashes of our first encounter

you will see me

Thursday, February 18, 2010


have you ever masturbated to amazing memories
not sexual
just amazing

i have

i came with such intense pleasure thinking about a dance floor in Amsterdam
a flower garden in Paris
and the waves of my favorite beach in Ocean City

and when i did... i thought of creation
a higher power
something so beautiful
must be relived
re experienced
by touching
by sweating
im starting to believe my pussy is the gateway to god
my own gateway
that the touch of my own hand can bring me to places in time
only i could want

someone is over me
in my ear
guiding my hand
and telling me the pace
when its over
pure peace
no sound
white light
just peace

how wonderful

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

orange dress

you were right
i dont believe ill find another man like you
thank you
and even though i wouldnt change a thing
im so happy the universe has only one of you
one beautiful evil you
the one that seeps into my fantasies
gave me true inspiration
dashed my hopes
brought me lower then dirt
there is only you
you invited deep pain
you told great lies
however awful you were
i think i could have stayed in that pain forever
because after all is said and done
you have no desire to be saved either
the passing moments of peace and kindness make the world feel unbearable
what would the world be if you couldn't have the girls on strings
and what would my world be with out the hope of taming a wild beast
even as a girl the church knew the way to my heart
to pet a lion without fear
to love something you know could rip you open any moment
and to have faith that they wont
but you did
didnt you
so no i dont regret a thing
i had faith in you
and i know you think of me
however little time you give me
im there
and you are here with me
and we have those moments between us
i still own that dress
and i will never wear it again

Sunday, January 24, 2010

please stop

stop choking on your tears girl
what is it about you that makes me turn into this
im strong
you have to see it

the only thing that scares me
is that look in your eye
the one that tells me you are toying

you hold my hand and my heart slides right into your grasp
so stop

i want to connect your dots
no urge to solve your problems
just kiss me one more time
tell me sweet lies with those pink lips

stop talking to me
stop looking at me from across the room
stop making me feel 17

i cant pretend not to feel
i cant want less from you

so ill choke on these tears
they well up in my throat
its just frustration
because even if i lean in closer
and touch your face gently
you wont see me

you dont see me

if you ever stopped to look
you would see that my eyes are telling you the truth
how could they lie to you

i want to see you clear
you are something to be seen

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

i want her too

Disco Zombie

in a past life i was vinyl and the needle was my lover
we were naughty
and we came back as human
so i spend my days being a good girl
and one day ill die
when i awake my needle will greet me

he makes a soft and deep scratch
that i can not resist
the sound he makes makes me move without control
he takes all control

the love i have remains in a dark room
where screams are born
till my needle returns

until then i remain a disco zombie
i roam the dance floor begging for my needle
the only man who makes me complete

my needle never bores me
or disappoints me
he touchs me so right
wont you be my needle
just tonight

Sunday, January 3, 2010

why not

you fit the mold ive created for my recreation
so why not
i cant seem to sense your soul
did you lose it?
was it so bad?
did she take it from you?
i can give it back to you
let me heal you with the taste of my sweat
bite my flesh and feel yourself reborn in sweet sin
how did you feel so good?
how was it all so wrong?
you give nothing away
do i pursue...do i retreat
im lost in the game
if you dont choose right
i will evacuate