Monday, November 30, 2009


yes i have a craving
but not what you think
for true human response
real deep connection
i want to feel home in another humans eyes
the person who makes me feel safe even when they are not near
i would like to know he exsists
someone who thrills me and shakes my core
but is gentle and able to understand me
someone who is just as able to laugh and cry with me
fly to beirut or lay on the couch for hours
know my insides truly
and see my beauty
not be afraid to correct me
and also accept my imperfections as i accept his
share his soul with me
expose his heart to me
allow me to hold him
and be his safety
talk about god
about children
about love
and reailty television
where are you?
i need you
my heart begs to be near you every night
i will find you
and i do crave you
i will never stop
until you are back with me
my love

Saturday, November 28, 2009

james spader is my dream

no more words

these eyes of strangers...these men
they see me
they tell me they know i want it
they can feel my sex
my energy
must be strong
but i dont want them
i want the sex
like you want the romance
deep down i want to be tamed
yet no man has been able
the lure is the danger
i use my eyes to tell you
i am no good
but you still want me
like candy
like cigarettes
like every bad thing you have ever wanted
i feel so good
and i am so wrong for you
you think about me at random times in the day
and each time you crave it
maybe less
maybe more
but ill stay with you
my scent will not soon be forgotten
my taste and wild inhibition will jump into your brain when you least expect it
i know how boring it is with the others
there sex cant make you blind
you pile new bodies on yourself like coats to keep warm
but im under the sheets with you
like the first time
like the last time
nothing held back
no shame
the only time you aim to please me
the only time i give full control
you make the girls feel naughty
i bring men to there knees
i make them beg and i tease them
you control and abuse with hopes and fantasy
we are the same
and i am sure you will disagree
the pain we have suffered by the hands of men
the hands of women
we have shifted and turned against them
against us
shielding us from new love
protecting us from our ghosts
making any excuse
the many men i have around is a body count
the many women you have a body count
protection from one true close visitor
we hung ourselves before our time
the first night
we both put an expiration date on each other's head
this would never last
so lets ride this hard until i break
until i leave or you kick me out
it was real
i will reach you
when you look at my picture
when you read this
you know
what im thinking
what i am doing
we are so much better with out speaking

Friday, November 27, 2009

cruel world

people actually envy the pain i feel now
they would die to feel the anguish i feel now
to feel anything would be better then there mundane life
and i see the mundane
its nearing my corner
i have changed my surroundings
yet not made a change
used you as a distraction
made you my villain
the cross i might bare
and push the punishment on you
but you did not accept
you had you own cross to bare
your own games to play
and your own baggage to unload
every red flag was lit
and every warning sounded
you hate me
and i return the favor
but why do i want to say kind words to you
why do i wish well of you
because even in sleep you would not accept my touch
not except my love
no kiss goodnight
you are a bad man
and anyone else that says different is fooled by you
you are not looking for your equal
just someone to pacify your ego
you laugh a little too hard
to prove you are not alone
you boost your self worth
so that no one sees the lonely man
these women are trophies and clay in your hand
you do not make them
you manipulate them...but for how long
when the dust settles
and the cycle comes to an end
you are laying alone
with no real mate
no real partner
fuck the legacy
you'll be dead when that happens
love is all there is
yes your pain was real
but you let the pain sculpt you very being
when the one next to you could have taken the pain away
now how horrible would that be
to sacrifice art for love
pain for love
legacy for love
you might be right
because sometimes i feel that the pain you left me is greater then any pleasure you may have given me..greater then us
the pain is a reminder of life
however horrible we were
we were not mundane
we are beautiful
cruel nature
to make us allies in bed
yet enemies in the dining room
cruel god

Thursday, November 26, 2009

expression lines

stop making me so happy
you are destroying my art
stop being so delightful
my fingers barely know where to go
ive been waiting for your face
and your expression lines
loose buttons and unknown accent
you make my senses stand and applaud
my sentences shorter
for there is no room to speak
about what beauty you bring


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

go further

thank you for leaving
but could you move faster, go further
so far that i can no longer smell your existence
so far that this web can no longer trap me
out of my mind
every false accusation
every fake moment
push it further away
you create ambiance with lies
no true
just because life happened to you it does not give you the right to judge
to make pain
because you have no more room to absorb it
you spew it
preying on loving women
and insecure lovers
they build you up
but i see through that
your metal armor
your lack of compassion
a facade
not to shield the small boy within
but to protect the beast you've become
no longer able to feel a loving act
or have remorse
get the girl to doubt herself
then pounce
and it was good...we both know that
but dont be mistaken
im not your bitch
someone else is doing your laundry
someone else can bake your cakes
i save my sweetness for those who deserve it
you're right i'm a dick
and i was locked and loaded everytime you were near
so go further
get out of my range
cause i will never touch you
not even if you beg me to
sound familiar?
who's the bitch now?
my eyes bright and big
my words are sweet and they get the job done
tell you what your ego needs
to get what i want from you
a few hot sticky moments
and you felt cheap after
what a beautiful brain you have...however your brain cant seem to think past your dick
past your self indulgence
feel love
cause i gave it
until you spit it back up
go further
still further
i dont need your war
your words
your pompous and derogatory demeanor
play god on the east coast
but still go further

girl walks into

a girl walks into the store and says
"I need to return my brain, somethings not working"
the clerk says "what seems to be the problem"
girl says "something is wont stop thinking about i need to return it"

clerk says "sorry hun we need a receipt"

girl says "oh fuck..i left it in bed"

Sunday, November 22, 2009

47 minutes

my small bed has never felt so good as it does 5 am
you proved that lightening can strike twice
and lightening strikes hard with no mercy
but i showed up...i came to my rescue
woke up in a panic and knew who you were
my own self hate..reflection of my fears
the person i never want to become
i saw it so clear it made my stomach jump into my breast plate
it made my entire body tremble
the drug has yet to leave my body
it didnt fill me this time
only left this horrible sick feeling swimming in my gut
terrified to see your true emptiness the void of human
but im not you
i have time
the phone full of self assuring text conversations can be erased
i can be true
the experiment of self loathing and shame has come full circle
i no longer desire this
i no longer desire you
i feel clean
im counting the minutes of my sobriety
so far i have 46 minutes clean
and each one feels better then the next

Friday, November 20, 2009

this boys in love

I stole the keys to the skies,
We’ll leave this place for the final time,
No crying words, no goodbyes,
Yes tonight we’re burning all the tough times.

Drown all the fears that we had,
These are the things that we’ll never understand.
This time fight fire with fire,
Cause baby tonight, the world belongs to you and I.

This Boy’s in love
This boys in love
Under city, under city lights.

Don’t tell the world what we’ve known,
We’ve come so far, but theres still a way to go,
It’s dark, theres no need for lights.
When the fire in his eyes is so bright.

This boy’s in love, love.
This boy’s in love, under city lights.

Tonight, turn out the lights.
Don’t wait, too late to die.
Look out, hold on, hold tight.
Tonight all night I’m getting ready so

This boy’s in love,
This town, this street, your friends,
You’ll never see this place again,
You’ll think about it now and then.
You’ll never see our face again

this morning raw

things .... the only things ...real to me right now

go to sleep

Thursday, November 19, 2009

chocolate cake

the devil found his way back to my shoulder today
and i reply "hello, how can i help you sir"
please through my heart to the gravel again
do what you want...he gently whispers into my ear
i shake my head no-no as i walk closer to the flame
i want to burn my soft flesh and writhe again
sweep the hand across my thigh
push down gently for the perfect amount of moments
the formula works
when i reach for it
slips through my fingers like water
cant break the formula
the devil owns the recipe
he holds it close to his chest
and when i stare him directly in the eyes ... he never breaks
keeps on digging his way under my skin
my angel shows up in the knick of time
saves me from myself
reminds me i have a choice
my angel
he's got the face and the body of an angel
my angel
always quick to love me
my angel
wants to see me ... never hurts me
sweeps me off my feet
and i am happy
i dream deep
make sound decisions
wake up delighted
the devil still on my shoulder
his voice sounds distant this time
speak up devil i cant seem to hear you now
i lost interest in your recipe
feels like chocolate cake this morning
and i love it
out of the devils grasp

im not like all the other girls

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

shit...this is shit

funny how..the truth comes out
who we need to loves us..and when
the approval of strangers and the love of a father
what you believe and what you feel
all smoke and mirrors
this life never runs out of lessons for us
the darkness and the light
wonders of human nature
the cruel realities
when i stop to think about what might be real and how i should act...i realize im one small shred away from ripping my clothes off and jumping deep of the edge of the well mannered life...peeling back the skin and ripping away the patterns mapped out in my manicured brain
then i tatter on .. set my alarm
begin the next day
taking my small victories
obeying traffic and my well mannered life
and i know i want to rebel
want to spit in the face of normal
kick this well mannered life in the crotch
i want to do the things in the front of my mind..
sleep in
sneak out
tell you the things that make me sound weak
embarrass myself
play with fire
passion i miss you
where are you?
someone excite me
im so bored
falling asleep in several shades of beige
i need those razor blade desires
this still life was never for me
still i live it
only trying to please myself
just like everyone else in this well mannered life
how was i so blind?
out of the system
so small
living life on a wire
that was the time of my life
in the wind
so vulnerable

play with me

you keep me happy boy
i feel like 1955 when you are near me
i check my makeup every other minute
you give me butterflies
forgot that i deserved someone like you
we play together
when you threw rocks at my window
i got so 1955
holding your hand the whole way home
i woke up humming this morning
cant wait to see what you do next
so full of life
wonderful you
and when i ask you to play with me
you always say yes
thank you
i caught you smiling when we were back to back
smiling like me
you keep me happy boy
like 1955
cant wait till the next time you play with me

thank you depeche mode for ruining your own song for me with this eye rape!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


she fell asleep, her weakness
did i snore?
does he know im broken yet?
i tried so hard to hide the wrong
the bad, the evil bits that have dug holes in my spine
i cant swallow without this awful loud gulping sound
and it cant be hidden
and i can not lie
the bad got out
the bad burned a whole through my broken passages
seeping through in sound
in vibration
roaring out of me
telling all my secrets
some choose to laugh
some choose to leave
some choose to ignore
but if you only stayed
only once
you might notice
this sleep is loud because i never rest
my sleep is loud
my sleep roars
because people like me never truly rest
the lay still
im resting only when im buried
and i need you to know you will never bury me
you will never put me to rest
these bullets lay deep inside
and i have swallowed them
they idle while i find a place
a place for us to rest


i take every last bullet
absorb and transform
this is my skill
and i take and shift
melting to liquid and gaining momentum
building speed and strength
i am one solid beat
you fade into the sound of distant traffic in my mind
like bullets buzzing by
in the war streets
i found shelter
floating above the battle
no longer wasting my youth
i have only begun
bombs go off all around your world
firecrackers in mine
i have stars on my side
you dont move slow
brace yourself
my eyes will penetrate your business meetings
and my words will slip into your window at night
my smell will dance into your bed
someone will fall short
just wait
just watch
and you'll see my body full with bullets
who is this creature?
the one with bullets under her skin
she is the only one
she survived
did I?

The Xx says everything I cant

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sunday, November 15, 2009

streets of LA

born again into the streets of Los Angeles
the men with there opinions after the movie
excuses why ... my car is in the shop
everyone living in the life they imagined
if only in there words
words mean nothing in this city, small talk is a disease
going home to there small apartments looking up at the hills
telling me they have something bigger on the horizon
news for you men
im not the one to tell
i came here for grit
life is not your car
life is not your house on the hill
never gave a fuck about things
rather have a good meal
good trip
good fuck
no shoes
no diamonds
i never owned a diamond
but i have the best memories in my beautiful brain
you have nothing to give someone like me
i want action
wrestle you to the ground and sleep under the stars
have you ever took a train to the unknown
money is a lie
it whispers of your importance
your value
you believe the lies it tell you
to painful to look inside at what you really are
Los Angeles
you have everything don't you
how did you lose your soul?
they drive you down
stole your innocence
the world of self promotion
the house of cards
well not everyone will drink the koolaid
maybe the "big one" will divide the earth
split hollywood off and fall into the ocean
we create a new beach
take all the freeways and parking lots
and toss them over the edge of the world
and drown them
choke the sign of the hill and all is stands for
and maybe then we can be saved
free to create a new art form
maybe then i'll love you true
stop telling people you are just my mistress
this time i want you to be my wife
well you know what they say
cant turn a whore into a housewife
but this time i want to try

wide awake

it was so much more fun when you were driving me crazy
who's driving you crazy now?
i got my distractions
i got my dancing
but i want mess with a savage creature
i know you can feel it too
this fire burns right down your street
and wouldnt be easier to just avoid it
so i do
cant remember your face
you've become a shadow hovering over my back
when i sleep on my stomach
i started to resent my on flesh
for weakness that led me down this road
to weak to hold up to the challenge
i killed us on the first evening
didnt take you serious
well i never knew you'd make such a mark
now im wide awake
replay and rewind the reasons i told you to go away
i had my reasons
and you must agree
i notice more and more the men at my doorstep
and the men in reach, in the waiting
all the men dying to tell me that i cant have them
when i know damn well i have them already
just like i had you once
but now its gone
i guess it doesnt matter anymore
maybe i'll come by one day
maybe we can stay wide awake
just looking at each other
day dreaming of the world where we might work
what might have become of us
if you were younger and untouched
if i was just a bit more something
can't be what you want
you dont know what that is
just me
how wonderful that is
and when i have it i know its real
i embrace truth
you spit
how weird and lovely
i restrain my actions
you dissolve them
wide and awake

frou frou

I join the queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up I know you're there
Can't you hear?
I'm not myself

Well, go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you

So listen up
The sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line, can you handle it?)

So how do I do normal?
A smile I fake
the "per-ma-nent-way"
cue-cards and fix-it kits
Can't you tell?
I'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints
I don't wanna feel anything but I do
And it all comes back to you

So listen up
"This" sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line, can you handle it?)

Hear me out
Listen up
This time you gotta listen to me - yeah
Look at me straight
Just hear me out
Don't make me wait
I'm not myself
I can't take this
Love's on the line
Is that your final answer?

I join the queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up, I know you're there...

So listen up
"This" sun hasn't set
I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
It's love on the line, can you handle it?

the pilgiarist

i starting to realize the fear deep in my belly
the one that tells me "you do deserve this"
"this is who you are"
"there may never be another like him"
so i assure myself this too will pass
not to fear those voices
the dream was just a dream
you never cared to ask what the dream was
and i fear you never read me
but in this dream i saw you
i saw right through you
you never asked me
because i remembered something quite fimilar in this dream
was it a bluebird, or maybe a daffodil?
something quite frail like that
we all have the ablity for a pilgiarist in the waits
whatever makes us feel human
the sex gives me that
moments of anger and guilt give me that
because of my efforts have been tossed to the wind
in my dream we lived in a slum
back in the roman times
if romans had niggers
and we slept under a red light
and you told me something real...i think you meant it
my heart got full and spilled into the slum
i asked and i begged you repeat it
but you got that look on your face again
i hate that look
like ive known you for decades and you had alzheimer's again
your brows squeezed in tight and you pushed me off your chest
i kicked and screamed and fell deep in the alley way
crying for hours
even though dreams are seconds
i woke up
and thought to myself
was it worth it?
all those tears in the alleyway
and you cant even remember the words
well who knows
the night has come again i hesitate to close my eyes
i wake up with a good man
just like yesterday
but my dreams belong to you
my mind is still held on could have beens
although im sure like i was sure then
you fuck for sport
so ill take my good man
keep your bluebird
keep your daffodil
i never saw much of them
you can win old man
hope it gives you resolution
thought our bond was made of something stronger
turns out dental floss kept us bound
pussy juice and allergic reactions
sour hearts and snoring
nothing really
someone told me to do what i want
just never tell a soul
i never was any good at secerts
and i always lose in love
but i am a woman of passion
and the taste of it is here
its my reflection again
in a broken man's life
who could resist the smell of wounded boy?
not I said the fly
i need to sleep
the dream cums


Friday, November 13, 2009

eyes in my palms

i saw the world today
saturated every if i had been holding my eyes in my palms for years
open my palms and here it was
the world on foot no longer through the windshield
or through the disappointments of others
fresh and virginal
just my own
and it excites me
i have mountains to climb
and the earth to explore
i always knew i was meant for more
however today i didnt look down on the masses
or through the crowds
i looked into there faces
and was amazed by there beauty
the weakness of the average man
to desire and fail and wake up and drink coffee
the man who truly loves his child
i never knew this
the well adjusted
the extremely boring well adjusted souls
gotta love them
i want myself a well adjusted soul
and the workers just dying to touch my ass
or scream about my ass
as i walk to work at 8 am
it makes me giggle as i wink and smile
while picturing how they may meet there death
maybe heart attack
possible car accident
or tragic house fire
its all tragic right?
fuck it
i love it
i love my pain and i love my ass
my looks were no misfortune
i will use the world with these looks and never go hungry
fuck the world with these looks
and the world fucks back
no remorse
no ease of timing
this is life
and aint it grand

Thursday, November 12, 2009


the walls pulse and drip our sweat
this time we've cum to kill the pain
no hope for us...we made sure of that
now there is nothing but this primal urge
i want you to break my wrists
i flood for you
make time stand still
turn around
let me lick that smile off your face
that wicked smile
the one that knew i would crawl back into this bed
to feed you
there is no other guilty pleasure that compares
touch the space between us like glass
break the daylight
hold me hand on the back of my neck
one hand deep inside
feel how much i wanted this
against my will i wanted this
i need to remember the way your voice makes me feel
bad girl
bad man
bad things
wicked wicked wicked
drug of choice
break me of this desire
i crave the heat the liquid heat
the taste of our sex
help me
how can i ever be released from this
a single spark of passion
changing us forever
torturing me
chain me to this bed
i know what waits for us after this fire
do not let this end
you grind your teeth
and i know you want to release
your controling the pace
look at me
drink me
taste me
nothing is more real
then the primal desire that i have for you
abuse it
i dont care anymore
take it
life is not worth living with out this
grab me by my throat and show me
how much you missed it
you need just like me
tell me

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


amazing how fast my wounds heal
i have so much joy in me it is seemingly never ending
for all the pain my rebound is so exquisite
and these sad songs make me sing so loud with the biggest smile on my face
because this storm has passed
and the wind took your evil actions so far from my doorstep
the rain and my tears washed my soul clean of any traces of you
i need no further reflections to see my self
i feel so big today
i feel my beauty
breaking out of my eyes like prisms
the warmth comes from within me
i have the power to break my own heart
i never needed you
my head is high with dignity
i see myself so clearly now
how far i have come and where i know i am headed
the tears are tears of joy
thank you
mom you should see me today
thank you
my beautiful friends
my worthy foes
you never saw such a power
i will continue my life with passion
with laughter
with love
with faith
with trust
with grace
i came here to give the love inside me
it grows stronger everyday

best thing ive seen in a long time


saliva becomes thick
blood seems to form in my throat
my tounge swells so large that it squeezes past my jaw
breathing is difficult
my eye lids crack
i cry blood
my need for water surpasses all
morals slip
shrinking to dust
i return to my thirst
shame has no place in this moment

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


i am going through withdrawal
i realize now Ive been medicated with our sex
with that high
im fairly sure you have too
no need to truly hear me
when you can touch me
and i crave it still
however i craved your respect more
if you could only turn eyes to mine
you would see im full of forgiveness for you
all you have to is ask it
we have been through wars
and nothing will change our past
my soul wants peace with a man who has seen those wars
knows my battles
and sees my strength
i would gladly give anything for this man
but this man would never ask me to give my self respect
be my treasure let me wrap you in my arms
and never let you fall

what makes you turn to the comfort of your laptop
the comfort of your phone
the walls that surround you are trap doors
they fall and reappear
i never stood a chance
why did you tear up when i was leaving?
didnt you want me to leave
because i never wanted to
push me
im no different then the countless others you have undoubtedly done the same too
but you were different for me
im no match for the offense you have created in hopes to avoid true human contact
true love
i will never deny you my affection

did you hate being in my atmosphere?
did i scare you?
too close
were the stars not alined
you never budged an inch for me Mister
there are worlds inside me to explore
i never wanted someone inside more then you
the fire does not extinguise that easily
i hope i haunt your dreams
i hope you see my eyes when you close yours
remember me
remember how much control you had
you choose this for us
i spent the day in bed mourning you
how much pain would i be in if you were ever really mine and i lost you
i dont think i would survive it
you are so fucking beautiful
fuck me
i want to lick the lips god gave you
i want to reverse time and shake you
everything inside me is screaming out
show up!
show up!
give up
he decided a long time ago i was not the one
no angel
no saviour
not enough

if i was really listening to you and not your damn fingers
your damn written words
i would have heard the words that were always meant for me
"im not available for you"
"my love is a prize reserved for myself"
"im hurt and alone, and i am determined to stay this way"
"you are only an experiment"
"you presence makes me nervous"

how stupid was i?
silly girl
silly silly silly girl

you knew from the start
you thought he might be a sheep in wolve's clothing
he doesnt want to let go of the wolf

let me tell you something Mr.
my love is worth a million others
the gift that could set you free
my love is blind for you
never limit you or judge you
it opens daily more and more
i would walk through fire for my love
find you anywhere and pull you out of your sorrow
once i give it
it never dies
but you refused it
test me
test me
but never disrespect me
love is patient
love is kind
and so am i
however i will not be a toy
i am not a child

you can no longer use your bed to skip over the issues
if you want me you can find me
fight for me
show me i was wrong
you are capable
you never wanted to hurt me
show me

show up
show up

show me this love you have inside
the unbridled passion
the romance
the respect

you said you adore me
well i adore you

fix it
be my man
strong enough to fix this
strong enough to let me in

Saturday, November 7, 2009


used as a muse in the flash of a light
in the blink of an eye
i was special just like everyone else
like every other perfect pussy he ever saw
the words work
words crafted for his muse, for an extension of his art
no these words are not for me
they never were...they extend from him like limbs
limbs pulling you in and pushing your heart
real in this moment
and that is what his life is
a series of real moments
adding up
and when the mountain of moments has reached the sky
he sits on top...proud as a lion
looking down he sees the bodies that lay beneath him
those beautiful muses
those perfect pussies
and at the bottom he sees himself
looking up
he can not reach
he will not fall
this is his eternal struggle
to except one he must except all
and this he will never do
the reflection of his mountain is brighter then the sun
blinding his sight with its truth
larger then art, it beams
these words were for the world
the better good
damn the casualties
damn the mountain of tears and tragedy
these words are not for you
you are the inspiration
not the reason

i lie on top of your heap
my body still warm
for how long?
my blood is streaming down the mountain
the beautiful icing on your cake

im neither your alpha or omega
your begin
your end
i am simply a counter reflection
and a kindered spirit
you will hold me to the sky
with your palm on the small of my back
i drape over you like a treasured linen
wear me until i am no longer in fashion
discard my presence and return to your mountain
these are my fears.deep and true
i can not hide them
i simply push them down deeper and hold my head up
giving myself as willing as Jacob to Issac
your lamb

Friday, November 6, 2009


needing under my breast plate between the flesh and cartlidge
there is an endless needing
it needs you to grab me
it needs to recapture
it needs to know the future
and it wants to be wrong
the ball of need that wraps itself into the face of a harmless girl
it is wicked and crafty
it shows no remorse for the awful things it will surely do
because it needs more
collecting pain and tossing aside victims
this needs grins and pats me on the back
kill need kill
take a number
fuck off
you are nothing compared to my need
need to understand
need to fuck
need to consume
need for more
or are you?
the need wants you
the need wants dinner
the need wants answers
the need wants god
are you god?
can you end the need?
there is nothing that will make all my wrongs right
no throwing the need into the sea
my need is endless
endless as the ocean